Woo, Harry is tonight! I haven't been excited about it up until the past few weeks. I'm seeing it at midnight with polka_dot_jewel and then later tomorrow with my parents. I'm going to do a half-closet cosplay (the robe and tie are official, the shirt and skirt and stuff will be whatever I find that looks good haha)

I also saw Bruno...the day before yesterday, I believe, with Shaun. It was pretty good, and very funny but..there was a five year old in the theater. No, she didn't make noise or anything, but what with the sex scenes and the penis and everything else, I had to wonder what the mother was thinking o.o

Also, I was supposed to hang out with Shaun for the earlier part of today, but that didn't happen because of his work, and then he has to visit peoples in the hospital, but he drove all the way to my house just to give me some flowers and kiss me before going back to makin' moneys ^w^

And, I'm also still drowning in Sims 3 goodness...but I won't prattle on about that. Right now, I'm just stuck on who should be my generation three heir...I was thinking the only girl, Ceres, but now I'm thinking about her snobby cousin, Nephlite, only because he somehow got the black and purple hair gene from his grandmother. XD And Knunzite (the oldest) is just kind of boring now.

I finally got my prizes from the contest! It came in a box that was way too big, and the shipping was almost $30 o.o But they didn't even put any packing materials in >.>

I definitely didn't realize that the word "gaming" was attached to the items, though...ie, the software is not Mac compatible D:

So the game, I'm going to sell...

The mouse, while it can't actually be installed and used to its full potential, still works just fine. The mouse is this one here. It's absolutely ridiculous. It has three light setting for different profiles (whatever that is), a compartment where you can add in weights if it's too light, and two different grips to attach to it, and one is made from some super anti-sweat thing. It also has hyper scroll as well as a general click-to-click. Hyper scroll is hyper o.o

I'll use it, but...if anyone would like to purchase it, I'm up for haggling! :3

Then...there is the keyboard. This keyboard. I can't install the software for this, either, so I can't begin to fully use it as it should be but, wow. It glows. It displays game stats. Macros. Yeah.

I am most likely going to sell it, I'm all up for haggling!

Both are described as perfect for you hardcore gamer type peoples! The time is now! Huzzah.

I would use the keyboard, but...I'm used to my flat, quiet Mac one...and this one is like, "Man power! RUH!" If I could install the software, that might help.

Obviously, both are brand new, only used today by me...all extra parts are there, packaging is only damaged slightly from where I opened it.

-coughwinkbuycough-

:3


Tomorrow...I don't know what my plans are. I was supposed to hang out with my boyfriend, ad I still am but it might be later then usual. But if it's not too late, I might go bowling with him and Margie and Corey! Woo ^^ Hopefully we can see Bruno, too o.o

I'm getting all excited about Para again, though. I'm trying to learn a few new ones every other day. But more then that, I'm just trying to perfect little things that always bugged me, like how doing this move never looked like that, or something.

But the place in my neck/top of spine pops and crackles more then ever D: I hope it's nothing bad...

It's. So. Hot.
My room. Why, why, room must you hurt me like this?
Usually, it's hot in winter and cold in summer in here, but then you have to make me sweat like this? And I just cleaned you, too!

>.> Anyway.

-temporary vain moment-
My jeans have this habit of becoming very stretched out everywhere but the waist as I wear them, making me look a whole lot bigger then I am. The only pairs that don't do this are ones which are one or two sizes too small that I had in high school, and one which only the waist was too small...I mean, they fit, but, bleh, muffin top...but tonight I tried them on and it's not there that much and they're all comfy, so yay :D I guess this means I've lost weight even though I've been doing absolutely nothing? I'd like to keep going with that, plz.
-end temporary vain moment-

So...lately, I've been editing/rewriting my first completed fanfiction! It was a SM/HP, where the princesses of the Silver Millennium come to Hogwarts during Harry's fifth year to fight Metalia because for some reason she went down there...I wrote it when I was eleven and twelve..so it's reaaally bad. I mean, at the time it was good. The thought is good. But my spelling, even with spellcheck...and I had a habit of skipping around, not writing from Harry's POV any...so, I'm editing the chapters one by one, and at the end I'm going to post, like, an omake chapter, just 'cause I want it bumped up to the top x.x. Problem is, it won't get read by many anyways...even though crossovers now have their own huge section, it's not that well populated. I had mine in just the HP section, but...I figured I should move it. Oh, well.

It's kind of fun, though. Except when I finish posting one chapter and I go to copy the next chapter to start working on it and I barely have to scroll down to copy it, the chapter is so short...Ah. I'm adding in a lot of things, though. It's much much better now.

It kind of makes me want to finish its sequel. It's definitely getting heavy rewrites, it's ridiculous. People sharing bodies, Voldemort having a sick fascination with Cosmos, and some of the students were second-generation senshi (how original! -rolls eyes-)...I don't remember how I would have ended it, though, other than everything would seem to be better, but not really, and Lucius Malfoy would become Minister of Magic. Yeah. >.>

Um...
...it's still hot. ;-;

I just found out that my friend Margie is possibly coming to MTSU next semester! :D I haven't seen her since...like, September or October or something. She was one of my first friends in high school! ^_^ She helped me be insaaaane.

Yay, I hope it's true! I'm getting excited about it!


Other that that, I've done nothing but play Sims 3 o.o Except yesterday when some weird error came up...but I fixed it? Except my heir started still hasn't died yet o.o I think I have lifespan set on 90, her bar is filled up, but she's like, 97. XD I didn't think her like was THAT good. I want her to die, though...it's really hectic now, even after I moved her son and his wife out, because her other son and wife are still there, their two kids, and the first son's kid.

And I just realized that my computer already has Boot Camp on it...XD

There are many roses in my room. They are all dead. But by some miracle, they have all petrified, so while they are no longer soft and vibrant, they still have retained their color and the stems don't have any gross fuzzies on them.
Most of these were given to me by my boyfriend on various occasions over the past few years, some by my dad on my birthday. I have a hanging crystal...um, hangy-thing in my room that also has rose petals in it. Actually, Luke gave them to me right after we started dating, but the flowers are just flowers, so I do not see a reason to remove them. They are all beautiful.

There is one more vase in my room, and the flower within it is huge and white. It is still somewhat alive. I don't know what it's technical name is, I only know it comes from something called a Moon Bush and it only opens at night, and only for a brief period of time. It's shaped like a five-pointed star, but, it's very big, and it has a scent that both me and my mom recognize, but cannot identify. I think it's a new favorite. Shaun gave it to me tonight and I hope that it, too, will petrify so I can keep it forever. It's still open, even though it really should be closed...I'm happy it's open :3

But tonight, I had to come to terms that something was not right.

I have this amazing boyfriend who cares about everything I say and do and makes me feel beautiful. I have these friends who support me and actually make me feel wanted. I have parents who don't force me to work or drive and support my decisions. I have five cats, a billion plushies, a roof over my head, and a good education, getting better every year. I have so much to love and be grateful for. Even the bad memories, they are memories and experiences still and I treasure them.

So with all this, why am I sad?
Or to put it better, why do I get sad so often?
Why do I get sad at the best of times, or when nothing's happening at all?

It really hurts.
Because, I don't know what's triggering it. It happens even when I'm with my boyfriend. In fact, since he's really the only person I talk to, it happens quite a great bit around him.
It's very upsetting when he says "I love you" and I am just...sad.
Because then I have to question, "is it him? Is it me? What's wrong with me?"
When I saw him today, I tried to explain this and somewhere in the middle I couldn't go on and I broke down crying. That kind of helped. I felt better having someone there to talk to.

So, no problems with us...just me being a weirdo. :P

As the night went on, I started feeling better. So, I'm trying...at least to figure out what's causing it.
I don't mean to sound like I want attention with this entry, by the way...just...need to write it somewhere.

Moving along...

I realize, though, many of my friends...I don't know how good of friends they want to be with me. I'm not, of course, talking about my besties or anyone, but...when I try reaching out, and on the surfece they are too, and then, nothing. No "thanks" when I try to help, nothing.
Then again, I don't know what people think of me. I've tried to be more open this year. Really. I think it just came off as awkward, though. I'm always the awkward one. Meh. I can only do so much. My voice is just naturally quiet so even if I'm not, I always come off as shy.

But anyways...

I celebrated the fourth with my parents. We rode the Nashville Star downtown and ate dinner...it was raining lots, but it stopped when we were getting out. I found a spot by the stage which overlooked the place where all the performers and VIPs were coming on and off stage, so we got to see them ahead of time. We saw Gabe Dixon performed, followed by a late and very off Wynonna Judd. The symphony was good, though.
Wynonna's set was supposed to be really long, she was the headlining act, but there was a bad storm coming in, so she was cut after four songs so they could go ahead and shoot off the fireworks. As always, amazing...but, right as they started, rain started falling. For a few minutes it was nothing bad, but then it got to the point where there was so much rain and wind, we couldn't even see, so we and many others scurried away...in a few seconds, there was already inches upon inches of water on the ground. We got back to the train, but it wasn't supposed to leave until 30 minutes after the fireworks...which were still going while we were on the train. And they had the air on, so it was freezing. My clothes were completely soaked through, my hair still wasn't dry when I woke up this morning. So. cold. XD

And finally...!

I have been recently re-re-re-re-obsessed with Sailor Moon. It was my first obsession (since I was seven!) and will always be my favorite. Because of it, I learned so much, and in fact, my motivation to draw and write came from that as well. I was reading over my single-chapter issues (still searching for them all!) and I really missed it. The art. Ahhhh. The ankles, the bunnies, the white ink! XD She remains to be my favorite manga artist. I could go on for hours and hours on why this is my favorite and the odd things I did because of it when I was young, but I won't. XD Maybe in another post.

BUT. I looked for a site of icons and...I found the best. Need. Sub. Nao. XD

This time, though, I'm obsessed with the generals and Endymion and the Amazon Trio...I have never really -liked- the first two at all. I really want to cosplay Zoicyte now...

I also need to get the episodes...but, I actually...um -blushes- recorded all the episodes they showed on TV, so I'm going to start watching them. As I think about it more, I can learn to appreciate and like the dubs as well as the subs...and I need to watch SS the most XD If I recall, Eriol actually called Darien "Endymion" in the dub once for the first and only time XD I actually laughed.

It is almost six. WHY can I only type things so late/early? XD
I hope you all are doing well. :3

I ACTUALLY WON A CONTEST O.O

They were having a contest on one of the Sims 2 comms on here, to write what you would like the first expansion pack for The Sims 3 to be. I went ahead and entered, wrote in like, ten minutes and forgot about it.

So today, I can't remember the name of some downloading sit, so I check my email with the word "sims" and two emails come up saying I had won the contest o.o But, I thought it had to be a scam, I couldn't have won...so I check the community, and sure enough, I had really won!

However, the email said I had to send in some forms no later then five days after the contest ended to get the prizes.

It ended on the 15th.

Yeah. I hate the phrase FML, but...FML. x.x

But, I honestly didn't know until now! I sent the person an email saying this, so hopefully, maybe, I'll still get something >.> The prizes were a copy of TS3, and a super cool mouse and keyboard which have a billion buttons on them and are very intimidating.

But...how did I not see that email?! It wasn't even in my spam! >.> Urrrrrgggghhhhhh....


Still...I'm happy that I won with something I wrote.




But, dammit, I'm greedy! XD


EDIT: Waaa! She said I can still send it in! I'm squeeing like Kaorin from Azumanga Daioh! All is right!
But THAT email didn't show up, either! Yahoo placed it under email I had already opened! >.>

This is my favorite thing right now. Sailor Moon Abridged. It made me lawl. Watch now. This is ep one, there's...35 others so far.

First I should mention I have a zombie situation. In the death post, I briefly mentioned my Mighty Mouse...it's been resurrected, kind of. The mouse, for those who don't know, is a really great concept, sleek design...but the scroll ball is in fact very small. Which is cute and nice to look at, but the human hand has so many oils and stuff on it that it gets clogged up very easily and won't scroll in one direction or another. Usually this can be fixed by just rolling it really hard in that direction, or getting a slightly damp cloth and rolling it along that. Not this time. So, I find instructions on how to take it apart and fix it, but it's really complicated. You have to tear up glue, remove tiny pins, all this while not breaking the very delicate pieces. So, I give it to my dad...and it scrolls great now, but it was really hard to click things, I had to really press, like, in the middle. So, I figured it was dead. But it seems like if I keep using it, it gets a bit easier..a bit. It's alive for now, but the bottom is coming out >.>

Also, in death of items, my glasses, kind of. It's been a slow death for them. I got them in sixth grade. They were actually Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's stone glasses...originally, they had two tiny pink things inside of the metal bits that had white stars all over them, snitches and the logo in white all over it...the white paint wore off first, then the pink bits finally fell out not too long ago...recently they've just been old and wiggling in places. And bent >.> I need new ones, but I've worn those thin pink frames for...8ish years, almost? I don't know what to wear now! Everything else just looks weird on me.

I've been obsessed with Strawberry Panic lately! I got the first light novel, the first two manga, and downloaded the first five episodes... :3 I really love it! XD

And...TS3 finally came out with a patch so I feel like I should at least write a tiny review on it.

But better yet...the slider hack got updated to be patch compatible! Yay! I can't wait until people figure out how to make more things.

Another things I've been obsessed with is reading people's Legacy Challenge blogs. The Legacy Challenge was started by some guy for TS2 and has since been updated for 3...there's a whole lot of rules and a point system, but basically, you start off on a huge empty lot with little money and go from there, only on that lot, making one bloodline last for ten generations. A lot of the blogs are written all the same but I have a few bookmarked where the people playing really know how to write. I kind of want to make my own blog, because I do make up stories for them as I play, but...I'm lazy XD And I don't like stopping so often to take pictures. Ah wells. I make my own version of the challenge...if I ever get ten generations, I'll be very happy.

There's a very sharp cat claw in my leg >.< I luff Tohru but...oww...

Some things I have been thinking about. This is a pointless entry meant to waste time.

-I'm more concerned about things matching then I thought I was.

-I'm too empathetic. I even get sad when I watch some episodes of Azumanga Daioh.

-Because my parents never gave me "the talk" and the way I learned about sex was from reading yuri fanfics (ChibiusaxHotaru) when I was eleven, my thoughts about sex and relationships are a little off from the norm. (More than a little in some areas >.>)

-It occurs to me now that the only time my parents even talked to me about a relationship was when I developed an interest in cute panties and my mom asked me if I was buying them so someone else could see them x.x They have never talked to me about anything, they never even said "don't get pregnant." Maybe that's a god thing.

-Two of my cats are really more like dogs.

-I love shojo ai in manga and anime and I have no idea why. The art is usually much more soft and cute, anyways XD

-I feel like I can only draw good things from the hours of 6 PM to 3 AM, and write well from 3 AM to 7 AM XD

-Also, I'm best at writing sadness, which is kind of sad...but hearing someone say they actually cried when reading my work (or even when watching a crappy Negima AMV I made ages ago), it makes me happy that I actually wrote something that powerful.


Also, I've been in an icon making mood...but I don't know which of my icons to remove >.> I have the money for a sub, but not able to purchase one D: Seriously, I'll pay someone to buy it for me XD

But anyways, three of the animated ones I made in the past thirty minutes...take them if you want, credit is appreciated.



This was the first time I've used CS/Image Ready for gifs...it took me forever to find things XD The one thing I miss about 2.0 XD


It was short, but I'm glad I actually DID something today. I feel useless here. Bleh. XD

I need to change my layout and stuff XD

Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett. My friend's birth mother. My mighty mouse. You will all be missed.

It's just...so strange to think about the world without Michael Jackson. I've listened to his music ever since I was little. Can't say I have any memories about Farrah Fawcett.



But hell, if I change my facebook status to reflect this, then I'll obviously just be a follower. I obviously had to show my love to him. I don't have anything better to care about, right?[/sarcasm] (Not talking to anyone in particular, there >.>)


But I suppose I'm being mildly hypocritical here. When Heath Ledger died, I guess I thought the same things about people who were really sad about it. I'm not really sad. It's just a shock.


See what you people have done? XP

I seem to still be on a cleaning/organizing binge.

I'm finally importing all these CDs I have lying around, and then I'm going to actually sort them and put the ones that I actually like/value/aren't burned down in my room and leave the burned ones and programs up here...and finally...maybe, just maybe...reorganize my computer desk?! There's not a lot on it, it's just...there is.

After that, I'll move to the file cabinet...there's really just junk in it, and my old art. I need to clean it out, sort said art, and then put the junk back in >.>

And I'm finally on some sort of kind of regular workout routine. Kinda.
And I learned a new para routine after a few weeks >.>; Maybe I should start again XD;

-sighs-
-flails about-
-flops over-

I still have a downloading problem when it comes to CC/hacks for The Sims 2 >.>

To add to the recent slew of slightly/more than slightly depressed entries I've been posting...

I feel like an idiot who can't just accept that there aren't any "flaws" hidden there. I have to keep bringing crap up which only gets me upset over nothing.

I will continue to feel like an idiot for five minutes and fully feel all depressed-like, and then I'll exhale and let it go.


That is all.

>.>
-cries-

So, I shouldn't have been as scared/worried as I was?
Thanks. A lot. >.<
But. At least it seems to be mostly resolved.
I just hate when people scare me like that. It's not the first time I've been in that position. I guess I'm just someone who's good to come to with their problems?

...anyways...

I was up until 6:30 AM last night. I slept as late as possible without sleeping TOO late, so I woke up sometime around 2:30. But after that, I felt kind of sluggish and read manga in bed for over an hour before actually getting up and getting dressed and stuff.

I had lots of sushi with my dad as a late lunch, and some Moroccan lamb stew leftovers for dinner...and in between the sushi and the soup I was upstairs and ended up falling asleep for an hour or so. I was so cold when I woke up...

Shaun came over for a little bit and we got coffee and just kind of cuddled...the entire time, my head throbbing. It still does, I forgot to get something for it. I guess my body's finally realizing that staying up until 6 over and over isn't good. I told him that I'd go to bed after we talked (thirty minutes ago >.>;) so I'll probably just lay down on the couch and turn the lights out after I post this.

But, I think I'm getting sick. Or I'm not eating enough of something. Lately, like every other night, I'll start feeling really queasy like I'm going to throw up. I don't, but it really feels like it, only in my mouth (I mean, my stomach doesn't feel odd, I can't explain it). I have to keep eating mints and drinking water until it goes away >.> (and before anyone thinks it, I'm not pregnant XD)

It seems like I've been devoting all my time to The Sims lately, both 2 and 3. I really feel like I should write a review of three, though I was kind of waiting for a patch to come out before I do that...(if you play it, you probably know why) But it's just so different..and not..and yes. But the best thing happened yesterday,I was having a birthday party for one of my Sims, and loads of people ans their friends were there, and at the same time, that Sim's wife started going into labor...and I wanted to see what a home birth looked like (sparkly), so I just let her hold herself in pain for a while...and all the people around her started imitating her or freaking out in sync, it was like some weird dance XD



My first made Sim, Nari. Ignore the preggo pants. The people in the back look like they think they're from Space Channel Five, and the ones in front and back of Nari look like they think it's a dance. The bigger girl to the right, one of Nari's best friends, obviously doesn't care XD

'Kayy.
I had something else to say, but I forgot x.x
-tries to remember-
...
-dies-

I can't deal with bad things.
I just don't know how.


And now I'm afraid to go to sleep.



-wishes her boyfriend was awake so she could call him-

I didn't realize my mom was going out of town so soon! She left on Sunday for Arizona, and later California, so it's just me and my dad for about a week.

And since it's just me and my dad...Shaun can come into my room. My mom won't let him unless the door is wide open, which means the cats can run in and bury themselves under the bed forever.
So, when I got up, I started cleaning. Like, really cleaning. My room hasn't been this clean in ages, it's so amazing XD I should probably...post pictures since, like, no one ever sees it. I have stuff taped everywhere, hanging everywhere, plushies everywhere...I love my room ^^

Anyway, after 6 hours it was completely clean! I was shaking from all the bending and lifting and crouching (I have a lot of stuff, so there's a lot of little places x.x), but yay. And Shaun finally went into my room for all of 15 minutes. Yes, this is a bigger deal to me then it should be. XD And then we went upstairs and watched Chobits.

So, I'm upstairs later after he left, about 2:40 AMish...and I hear a buzzing kind of noise from downstairs. We have a huge fishtank with two lights on top, and sometimes when the cats climb on it, they push it against another part and it makes a similar noise, so I ignore it...but five minutes later, I notice that it's really loud and it starts bugging me, so I go downstairs, where I realize that the sound is coming from the kitchen instead, it sounds like the cats had somehow managed to turn the sink on...I go in to turn it off and see water rushing out of the cabinet under the sink, and water already covering all of the kitchen floor x.x They hadn't turned the sink on, a pipe had burst...I run and wake up my dad and we begin slowly toweling, squeezing, moving...it took us about an hour to get all the water up, which happened to be the time when he would normally wake up so...my dad wasn't late or anything. But now I'm all tired again x.x

I also cleaned up cat vomit. Woo.

All in all, I cleaned a lot today.
I feel...accomplished.
But unfortunately, also, awake. And it's after 5...

-sighs- I guess I'll go take a shower and see if that gets me sleepy?
polka_dot_jewel, I has dinner plans, but after that would you like to do something? XD

So, I think I forgot how to sleep.


A few days ago, I was having problems sleeping. It was 5 AM and getting light, so I took one Nyquil and drifted off. I ended up being woken up almost at 5 PM. Obviously, I figured I would have sleeping problems that night as well, and I did...I was up until about 6 when I eventually dozed off on the couch. The next night I went to sleep sometime around 5, but still with difficulty. Last night, however, was just bad x.x Couldn't sleep. Couldn't sleep. Went upstairs to lie on the couch, turned on the TV quietly. Couldn't sleep. Thought. Turned on the computer for half an hour, it at least made my eyes tired. Went back to the couch. Moved. Fluffed. Thought about this entry. I think I finally got to sleep at 7:30.

Needless to say the Star Trek plans were cancelled ;-;

I'm tired of this >.>

I feel nervous now. I don't know why.

Shaun did the sweetest thing, he left coffee on my doorstep XD If you're confused as to why I find that so sweet, imagine the coffee as a bouquet of flowers, because that's what it means to me pretty much XD

Um. So I'm still down about stuff from the last entry. It kinda comes and goes and waves. I dunno.

But I was thinking about what used to inspire me, maybe that would help again. Muppets, happiness, fashion. And I feel like I have been regressing a bit, but in the good way. I'm getting back into loli now, and now I'll actually get real loli instead of thinking I can call a frilly hot topic skirt loli XD I'm actually really excited about it! I was talking with Alex today who helped me out when it came to sites and what I should look for. She's so sweet ^^

Of course now, I don't know what to get, between Bodyline and F+F there's so much! I think I'd probably get more accessories from Bodyline though? They seem cheaper (aside from shipping...) But now I need to really start saving! I make 55 every-other week in my not-really-job thing...Chelsea's going out of country soon, and since she's the only person I hang out with pretty much and do excessive shopping with (I spend way less money when I'm with Shaun), I should be able to save up enough for a few things! Maybe I'll actually know what I'm doing now! ^o^

Also in regression, I've been more in a J-Rock mood again...but now I don't know what's new anymore. Ah well.

Also, it was nice to be IMing three people at once XD Even if one of them was some random guy who keeps talking to me...he doesn't act really creepy, though, so it's okay. I felt social! XD

Umm...I think that's it as of late. I did have plans with my mom tomorrow (mani pedi and seeing Star Trek), but she's been buying way too much crap lately and my dad actually said something about it so she's all upset and we're just going to see the movie. I'm painting my nails now, so I guess I'll be up for a bit longer...won't dry >.>



EDIT: Oops, forgot about a meme I took from bakacoconut69 XD

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will post the answers to the questions (and the questions themselves) on your blog or journal.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. And thus the endless cycle of the meme goes on and on and on and on ...
( Cut because this entry is too long anyways XD )

All year. Since last summer, I've felt as if a part of me was gone.
Once the semester ended, I tried, and I felt as if I had "it" back. For a few weeks, I felt much better.
Then it seemed like it failed, and everything came crashing down. And I have been thinking about writing this for almost a week now, starting and stopping due to a number of things.

"Why do I have black hair?" My boyfriend asked me, pointing at a picture I drew of a two of my characters, neither of them him. My oldest character does resemble me, but what can I do - I created her when I was 11, and yes she was a Mary Sue then, but no longer, I just can't bear to change her appearance. But was it that similar? And my mom is getting quite far in her writing. What do I do all day?

Then I found an essay I wrote in AP English - we had to write as if we were an announcer, presenting ourselves with an award for a lifetime achievement. My goals were lofty, but still reasonable...but one thing struck me, for the first thing I wanted to accomplish, I had written "after college." After. I don't have to be good now. I do want things too quickly.

And then after that...I don't know. I opened up Word, an older something I was working on and...nothing. I knew exactly what I wanted to type, but...nothing happened. I just couldn't.
And every night when I watch TV, or when I'm at my computer, I draw but...lately, it's worse then usual. Not worse as in skill-wise, worse as just...worse. What. I can draw someone. But backgrounds, poses...it's like I've forgotten...everything.

I feel lately like...these things which I actually thought I was good at, and something I'm going to school for...I'm not any more special then some thirteen-year-old fanfiction writer or some kid on dA who makes a thousand Mary Sues and draws them in a generic anime style.

I just feel like any talent I had was gone, and that hurts. Because, without drawing or writing, what am I? What do I do all day without something like that? I sit around, intake calories, play video games, sleep, and repeat. Yeah, what a life.

I don't know exactly how to express what I feel. I can do but I can't. I just feel...empty.

It's not a lack of inspiration. I don't know what I'm lacking, but I really want it back. I just...feel sad.

I'm sorry that this isn't making sense to anyone. It's not really making sense to me either. I'm just writing.
I don't mean to sounds like I'm whining but I guess I am? I mean, this is something I have been doing and studying my entire life, and yes I've had creative blocks before but not like this! I feel this hurt with my entire body and mind, I'm even sad when I'm with my boyfriend or talking to friends...I'm just not used to this.

Or maybe it is inspiration I need, but a different kind. Two summers ago I was shooting out art and writing freakishly fast, and it was actually good for the time. I had gotten out of a bad relationship and really started thinking of myself and everything else as something much more brighter and happier. I gained a completely different outlook on life. I guess maybe I need something like that again? But I already have a pretty optimistic outlook on life, so I need...something...else...huuuu....

Kay. 'scuse the rant. -inhales- -exhales- I just...needed to.
I guess I'll go back to playing The Sims 3 for about an hour before I try to go to bed. I woke up at almost 5 today because of some Nyquil...I only took one! >.

Fandom meme I took-ed from bakacoconut69

( Many of these offenses were a younger thing. )